Never Forget
by SnipersAndDragons
Summary: What if when Cerberus rebuilt Shepard, she lost her memory? Or at least, all her memories of her last few years' missions, her crew and her friends. How would she rebuild friendships and alliances now she no longer recognises those closest to her? And what if Cerberus have a vested interest in keeping it that way? Eventual Shenko.
1. Chapter 1 - Tali

"Wait… Shepard?"

Shepard felt a strange jolt at another apparent stranger using her name. The quarian who had addressed her had lowered her weapon and was standing in front of her companions.

"I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives!" snapped another of the quarians, gun still pointed threateningly at Shepard's head.

"Put those weapons down!" the first quarian ordered firmly, the tone of command apparent even though, to Shepard, her voice sounded quite young. Her two comrades reluctantly lowered their guns and Shepard signalled to Miranda and Jacob to do the same.

"Shepard?" the leader said again, her tone softening to something close to wonder, "Is that… you're alive?"

Shepard felt another strange tug at her mind at the familiarity and even affection in the voice of this quarian. It was almost as if she had known her once, a long time ago, but couldn't quite remember. The frustration that had been building ever since she had woken up, under fire on a strange station, with no idea who she was or who she had got there, bubbled up again.

"Shepard?" the quarian repeated again, her tone puzzled now. "It is you, isn't it? It's me… Tali."

Shepard jumped, realising that she had been staring, trying to find something, any memory, that would explain how she knew this person who she instinctively wanted to trust, despite feeling as though they were meeting for the first time.

"I'm sorry, uh, Tali, did you say? Look, I should explain…"

"No need," her belligerent comrade sneered, raising his gun again. "She obviously has no idea who you are."

"Prazza, weapons down!" Tali snapped again.

"And anyway", Prazza continued, only half lowering his gun, "Why would your old commander be working for Cerberus?"

"I… don't know," admitted Tali slowly, as if noticing for the first time that Shepard, not just her two companions, was dressed in Cerberus uniform. "Maybe we should ask," she added, looking pointedly at Prazza's still half-raised gun. He huffed, but lowered it back to the ground, as Tali turned back to face Shepard.

"I nearly died, Tali," Shepard began quickly, wondering how on earth she was going to convince her that she was Commander Shepard. "Cerberus spent two years rebuilding me. They want me to investigate attacks on human colonies. Only problem is, while they were able to save my life, I've lost a most of my memories, at least for the moment."

"Likely story," Prazza sneered, "No organisation would commit so many resources to bring back one soldier. And memory loss? How convenient."

"You haven't seen Shepard in action, Prazza," Tali retorted, jumping to the defence of her friend. "It would be money well spent."

Shepard felt a small rush of hope at this. Tali didn't have to fully believe her yet, just as long as she didn't consider her a threat.

"Ok, look," she began, with her usual straightforward manner, "There's nothing that I can say to prove to you that I am Commander Shepard or that I know you, Tali, because I don't remember anything. I have a strange feeling that I should recognise you, but that's all. But as far as we're concerned," she glanced over her shoulder at Miranda and Jacob, "We're just here to find out what happened to this colony. There's no reason why we should interfere with you, or you with us," she added, with a pointed look at Prazza, who, despite himself, took a half-step backwards. Tali smirked quickly at Shepard, who grinned back.

"Right," Tali agreed, turning back to Prazza and their other companion. "Let's get on with the misson."

"But…" Prazza began.

"NOW!"

Muttering to himself, Prazza led the third quarian out of the small building. Tali followed them, but stopped before the door.

"Shepard? I'm sorry, I wish we could work with you in this, but, well…" She glared at the door that Prazza had just gone through.

"It's ok Tali, I understand. I wouldn't trust me either. Watch yourself out there, ok?"

"Thanks, Shepard."

"I hope you know what you're doing," Miranda muttered later as they headed to the LZ. "You don't remember that quarian, she has no way to know if it's really you, yet you let her walk away with the very data we came here for and trusted to her word that she'd send it on to us?"

"I don't remember her but I think I remember trusting her," Shepard replied thoughtfully. "Besides, we helped her rescue Veetor after her squad of soldiers were killed by those mechs and didn't drag him off to be interrogated. She owes us a favour."

"That's true, I suppose," agreed Jacob.

Shepard sighed. "Any idea how long this is going to last, Miranda?" she asked, as they got into the shuttle. "If I keep meeting people I've forgotten that I know, it's going to drive me crazy."

"Not really," Miranda replied, looking at her keenly. "At least meeting people you knew might help to bring back some of your memories more quickly. Has anything come back to you about Tali yet?"

Shepard struggled with it, picturing the quarian in her mind and trying to think of anything associated with her. Even with the brief background Miranda and Jacob had given her, there was still nothing solid, just elusive flickers now and then that vanished as soon as she tried to concentrate on them. She shook her head, deflated.

"Nothing."

Jacob looked at her sympathetically and Miranda sighed. "Ok, well the worst thing you can do it try to force it to come back. Your body is still healing, so for now, all I can suggest is that you concentrate on getting back up to full strength - that can only help.

Shepard nodded. "That makes sense."

"Miranda, how did it go?" the Illusive Man asked, with his usual air of nonchalance.

"Well, on the whole. Shepard recognises the threat, she'll keep working with us to save lives, if nothing else."

"That's a start. What else?"

"We met that quarian from the Normandy's old crew there."

"Did Shepard remember her?"

"No. It seems to be working still. She said that she seemed vaguely familiar but that's all."

"That's good. It seems that you were right in your calculations."

"Of course. I'll give her a blocker tonight, tell her it'll stop nightmares from her death triggering."

"Will it?"

"Possibly. It might accentuate them. But it'll make sure that her unexpectedly meeting an old friend won't upset our plans."

"Good. Do whatever you need to do to keep her to the mission, Miranda. Humanity needs her to deal with this threat. Nothing and no-one must get in the way of that."

"Understood."


	2. Chapter 2 - Joker

Shepard woke violently, adrenaline pounding through her veins and every nerve in her body tingling. She sat up shakily and turned on the light. It had only been an impression, just a moment of pure terror and a horrible, empty loneliness but it had seemed so real. But then, it had been real, she supposed. Despite Miranda's medicine, it seemed the first thing she had remembered was dying alone. Wonderful. She glanced at the time. It was early, even for her, but there was no way she would be getting back to sleep now. Sighing, she got up and lingered slightly over her shower, trying to calm herself. She dressed quickly and went in search of breakfast, cursing her biotic metabolism that made her need to eat at this time in the morning.

"I've found a pilot I think you might like. I hear he's one of the best. Someone you can trust."

Was there something in the Illusive Man's tone when he said that? Had he laid extra emphasis on the word trust? She hadn't told him about her memory problems but she was sure that Miranda had. Was he deliberately goading her? She sighed. Probably. She turned as she heard a footstep behind her, to face a grinning man in Cerberus uniform and a cap.

"Hey, Commander. Just like old times, huh?" he smirked but then seeing her blank look, his face fell.

"Woah. She really wasn't kidding then?"

"What? Who wasn't?"

" _Miranda_." The way he said her name left little doubt about his opinion of the Cerberus officer. "We've all been briefed," he explained. "At least, those of us who knew you, errr, know you, already. She said you barely remembered anything, especially of the last few years, so not to be surprised if you didn't recognise us. I thought she was just messing around."

"She doesn't really seem the type."

He grinned at her again. "No, see I thought that too. But seriously, you don't remember anything? You really don't know me?"

Shepard sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry, no."

He whistled. "That's rough, Commander. In that case, call me Joker."

"Joker?"

"It's a nickname. It stuck. I'm not going through the story twice. Anyway, come on, I've got something to show you."

She followed Joker across the base. He had a strange way of walking, a slightly awkward limp. Joker noticed her watching him and answered her unspoken question. "Brittle bone disease. My bones are basically hollow, too much force and _crack!_ But don't worry, I can manage my condition. I'm still the best damn helmsman you'll ever meet."

"Just don't ever ask you to get up and dance, right?"

Joker blinked. "What?"

Shepard's eyes were wide. "That's what you told me, wasn't it? You'd make the Normandy dance, just don't make you dance or your shin bones would snap? Something about what you just said, do you always explain it the same way?"

"Pretty much," he shrugged. "I have to explain so often, I've got a kind of ready-prepared speech. Does that mean you remember?"

"Only that bit of that conversation," she sighed. "It's a start though."

"Well, this might help more." She turned to look at him, struck by the suppressed excitement in his voice. His eyes were shining and he was smiling hugely. "They only told me last night," he added, reaching to flick a light switch.

The lights revealed a sleek, gleaming warship with Cerberus markings. Shepard turned back to Joker to find him watching her intently.

"She's beautiful but… what am I missing?"

"She's a replica of the Normandy," he explained, eyes still dancing. "Well, almost. They say they've made _improvements."_ He sounded extremely dubious, then shrugged. "Doesn't it feel like coming home?"

"If you say so," she frowned. Even so, her heart lurched as she walked around and saw the huge 'Normandy' emblazoned on her side and she felt a thrill of satisfaction. She may not remember the original Normandy yet but this was her ship and she was obviously state-of-the-art. Now she could get on and get stuff done. Finally.


	3. Chapter 3 - Dr Chakwas

Dr Chakwas looked up from a datapad as Shepard entered the med-bay.

"Hello, Commander."

"Hey, Doc," Shepard smiled, talking a seat opposite her. She had found her way to the med-bay several times since taking command of the SR2; the Doctor's gentle yet matter-of-fact manner was soothing and it felt easier to talk to her than Miranda or Jacob.

"What's on your mind?"

Shepard laughed sheepishly. "Am I that easy to read?"

"Not usually but you've got a lot to deal with, right now."

"True." The commander sighed. She stared at the floor for a moment, gathering her thoughts and then looked up.

"You don't seem the Cerberus type, Doctor," she began.

"I don't work for Cerberus; I work for you," Chakwas replied firmly, "On a mission that may be crucial to the survival of the human race. I have faith that your dealings with Cerberus will be ethical. I trust you, Commander."

Her words struck Shepard like a knife. She was touched by the simple faith of the Doctor but didn't feel at all like she deserved it.

"How can you?" She demanded, more violently that she intended. Chakwas started at her, startled. She drew a long breath, ran her hands agitatedly through her red hair and then asked quietly, "How do you even know that I am Commander Shepard? How can you trust me, how can _anyone_ trust me, when even _I_ don't know who I am?"

"You will, Commander. It will come back to you in time. Don't give up. As to how I know, I knew it the moment you first walked in here."

"What I look like has got nothing to do with it. If you're ready to believe that they've got technology to bring someone back after death, they could surely produce a clone or something. Someone that looks just like Commander Shepard and they tell her that she is Commander Shepard so that they can infiltrate the Alliance or something." She stopped, realising that she was babbling. "Now I say it out loud, it all sounds a bit absurd but until I start remembering more, how can I be sure?"

"Is that why you haven't been to the Citadel yet? I thought it would be the first place you'd go."

Shepard nodded. "How can I go to the Alliance or the Council until I know who I am and that Cerberus aren't using me for something?"

"Well, if it helps, I wasn't only talking about the fact that you look exactly as I remember you. The way you talk, the way you hold yourself, all of your mannerisms, everything is the same. You haven't changed at all. That's why people don't have a hard time accepting that it's really you, even when we all thought that you were dead."

"That could be replicated." Shepard insisted, stubbornly.

"And besides," the Doctor continued, ignoring her, "From what I overheard of Miranda and Jacob's conversation earlier, your morals and your personality haven't changed either. Miranda, I gather, felt that you _wasted time_ when you went looking for Professor Solus and stopped to help every victim and refugee that you found along the way. It seems Miranda would have dealt with the situation differently. You, however, acted exactly as I would have expected you to, before the Normandy went down. Surely, if Cerberus wanted to create someone to pretend to be you, she'd be more likely to act as Miranda or the Illusive Man would and they would certainly have tried to instil less suspicion about their organisation in her. That you are doubting them and yourself seems to disprove your theory."

"Wouldn't it seem suspicious to you, and anyone who'd known me, if I immediately trusted them, though? Wouldn't you expect me to react the way I have?" She shook her head. "I sound like I've been watching too many old vids. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. I'm just tired of not knowing who I really am."

"I know, Commander. It's only been a few days. Try to be patient a little longer. I was talking to Yeoman Chambers this morning. You know she's a psychologist?"

"Yeah, she told me about it yesterday. I didn't get much chance to talk to her, though."

"Well, I told her about these feelings you have, when you instantly know to trust someone who was your friend and that kind of thing. She thinks that that is a sign that the memories are still there. If they were gone for good, it would feel no different that meeting a stranger."

"I hope she's right."

"Me too. For your sake. I think she is though. We'll both work with Miranda and see if we can come up with anything else that might help speed up the process."

"Thanks, Doc." The commander sighed again and then straightened, pulling herself together. "I should go check that Mordin is settling in ok."

Chakwas smiled. "Ever the mother hen," she teased. Then she became serious again. "Have you heard anything about Garrus or Kaidan yet?"

Shepard looked at her blankly. "More old Normandy crew, I guess?"

"Yes and your closest friends. The three of you were a real close-knit team, at the forefront of every mission you were given." She paused. "I know Miranda thinks that you shouldn't be given too much information in case it interferes with your recollections and, on the whole, Kelly Chambers and I agree. I am telling you this only because I think that if you could contact either of them, they might help you more. The closer you were to someone, the more likely meeting them or talking to them might start bringing back memories. They'd want to know that you are alive, anyway. Especially Kaidan. He was devastated when you died. I mean, we all grieved but he was hit hardest. He's still in the Alliance, or was last I heard, so you should be able to contact him."

"Kaidan?" Shepard tried out the name but felt no stirring of recognition. "That would mean contacting the Alliance though. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet." She paused thoughtfully. "Thanks, Doctor. I'll consider it."


	4. Chapter 4 - Garrus

Jacob had been right, Shepard decided, as they followed the freelancer team across the bridge towards Archangel's hideout. Getting to him should be no problem, there were not all that many mercs in the infiltration team and most of the freelancers had already fallen to Archangel's bullets. He seemed to be an excellent shot, at least. Getting out again, however… Well, they'd deal with that when they got there.

Once they entered the building, she glanced around and signalled for Miranda and Jacob to find cover. They spread out; Jacob moving to cover two of the mercs who were heading for the door leading to the balcony where Archangel had taken up his position, while Miranda and Shepard covered the open space under the balcony. Once they were all in position, she nodded once and all three attacked simultaneously.

The first merc at the door floated helplessly down the stairs past Jacob and one setting a bomb was hurled across the room, as a throw hit him in the side of the head, then he crashed against the wall with a sickening thud.

"She's with Archangel!" one of the mercs yelled but it was too late. In a few minutes, they had neatly dispatched the remains of the infiltration team and hurried to the door before the next wave was sent out.

"Archangel?" Shepard asked, as they approached the blue armoured sniper. He held up a warning hand, still sighting down his scope. Glancing down, Shepard saw movement behind a pillar. One more freelancer had sneaked up behind them. He leaned slightly out of cover for a moment, though, and another of Archangel's bullets took him straight in the head.

Taking off his helmet, the turian walked towards them, a curious smile on his face.

"Shepard. I thought you were dead."

This time, Shepard was almost not surprised. It felt like she had known everyone she met at the moment. Coincidence didn't even begin to cover it. The sense of trust was stronger than ever but she realised that now might not be the best time for extended explanations. She stepped around the issue carefully, asking what he had been doing on Omega and how he had managed to get all the mercenary groups after him and then, since she was fairly sure there had been no-one in her file of associated called _Archangel,_ she chanced asking about the name.

"Since when did you start calling yourself Archangel?"

"It's just a name the locals gave me. For all my good deeds." He laughed, looking a bit embarrassed. "I don't mind it, but please… it's just 'Garrus' to you."

She had been right then. Another old crew member and from what the Doctor had said, a close friend as well. Now they just had to get out of here.

Garrus' plan was a little vague, after all they did not have a lot of options, but at least it was simple. The held off the first few waves of mechs and mercenaries comfortably enough, the three of them down on the ground floor, while Garrus sniped and called out warnings from his vantage point on the balcony. Their biotics flared: Jacob pulling enemies to float as sitting targets until one of them had chance to finish them off, and Miranda and Shepard forming a deadly team of warp and throw every time a group came through together, filling the air with biotic explosions and sending bodies flying in all directions.

At one point, when some of the mercenaries had made it into the room and they were all fighting alongside each other, Garrus slipped into cover beside her. "How about we try our old favourite manoeuvre?" he muttered. "There's a group of them sneaking up the stairs." Oh great. Of all the times to have to explain. She had opened her mouth to say that she didn't remember any of their moves, or anything at all, really, when he continued with a tight grin, "Like on Noveria." At the name, images flashed through her mind all at once; the cold, the mostly deserted facility, the Rachni. Suddenly, she knew exactly what he was talking about. Trying not to show her excitement, she nodded.

It was all under control, until a gunship carrying Blue Suns mercs arrived. Shepard, Miranda and Jacob moved to stop them, leaving Garrus watching their backs on the balcony. Suddenly, there was a burst of gunfire from behind them and a grunt of pain. Shepard glanced back, to see Garrus dragging himself up into cover. Leaving Miranda and Jacob to deal with the last of the mercenaries, she dashed back towards Garrus, only to freeze in horror as a rocket exploded around him. Ducking into cover, she called his name urgently but he was unconscious. Forcing herself to channel the anger and concern into concentrating on the target, she hurled herself into attack, as Miranda and Jacob joined her. Once they had finally brought the gunship down, she hurried to Garrus' side.

There was blood everywhere. He was lying on his side, completely still. Shepard felt cold fear grip her. As she crouched beside him and reached out a hand to his arm, his eyes opened and he gasped for breath. "Garrus!" she cried, heart in her mouth. He looked so weak; she couldn't lose him now, not when she had only started to remember him. "We're getting you out of here, Garrus. Just hold on."

Shepard paced up and down the briefing room, worry gnawing at her. She felt awful. On top of the horrible weight of responsibility she felt every time a soldier on her watch got hurt, the subconscious knowledge that he was a friend was weighing down on her, paralysing her with a sickening fear. Strangely, worrying about him had brought a few other memories back too, odd fragments that she wasn't sure where they fitted in but memories all the same. She felt terribly guilty that she had not been honest with him and admitted her amnesia straight away. Now how was she supposed to tell him? Or ask for his help?

Her fretting was interrupted by Jacob, who was looking grave. "Commander," he said quietly. "We've done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit." Shepard's heart sank and her eyes dropped to the floor. She was too caught up in worrying to catch the glint in Jacob's eye. "The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics." She lifted her head again, hope in her eyes. "Best we can tell, he'll have full functionality, but…"

Before Shepard had time to panic about _but_ , in strolled Garrus himself, all unconcerned, as though he had just been for a nap. "Shepard," he greeted her nonchalantly with a nod.

Jacob laughed. "Tough son of a bitch. Didn't think he'd be up yet."

Shepard sighed with relief and swiped at Jacob for frightening her.

"Nobody would give me a mirror." Garrus added as he came over to join them. "How bad is it?"

"Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly." Shepard grinned, looking critically at his scarred cheek and hoping she wasn't misjudging how he would take the remark based on her limited memory. "Slap some face-paint on there, and no one will even notice."

Garrus laughed, then winced. "Ah! Don't make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is." He paused, considering. "Some women find facial scars attractive," he added. "Mind you, most of those women are krogan…"

Shepard laughed. She felt happier than she had since she had woken up from her coma, both from relief and the familiar, yet still distant feeling, camaraderie of this turian.

"I'm fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I'll settle in and see what I can do at the forward batteries."

"More calibrating?" she asked, with a sudden flash of insight and a knowing smile. He laughed and winced again, then left the room.

She stared after him for a while, her previous good mood evaporating. She still hadn't told him. And to make matters worse, the bits that she had started to remember had slipped out without her realising it, so now it might sound as though she was deliberately keeping up the pretence. What on earth was she going to say?


	5. Chapter 5 - Anderson

Shepard woke sobbing, a crushing sense of grief and loss squeezing her lungs and turning her stomach to lead. She lay curled on her side like a child for a few minutes, still trapped in reality of the nightmare. Eventually though, she forced herself to shake off the memories and splashed cold water on her face to try to soothe her eyes. The face looking back at her in the mirror was not a promising sight; her eyes were red from crying and the dark circles underneath them spoke of many nights plagued by nightmares. Her skin was pale and creased with lines of worry and stress, her cheeks were gaunt, the scars still healing and her red hair was tangled and sticking out in all directions, also testament to her restless sleep. Sighing, she turned on the shower and set about attempting to make herself presentable again.

Her nights were mostly haunted by elusive fragments of memories, spinning round and round in her head, leaving her exhausted and more confused than before. One such nightmare had been of her running around a burning version of the Normandy, frantically searching for something or someone but never finding it. It was not until she was on her way to see Joker in the cockpit one day that something clicked in her mind and with no warning she was engulfed in the flames again, battling forward and shouting Joker's name. The memory was so sharp, so vivid, that she had frozen in place for several moments, adrenaline pounding through her, before she fought her way back to reality and sank to the ground, taking steadying breaths and trying to compose herself before anyone came past.

Sometimes, it was something someone said that would trigger a flashback. Other times, something she saw or felt. Occasionally, she suddenly remembered an odd phrase or location without any apparent reason at all. Even with the increased frequency of these regained snippets, her memory was still hazy. She couldn't place voices or faces and had only the vaguest perception of events in her life. The only memories that stood out strongly seemed to be the most painful ones. With a sigh, she pulled herself firmly out of her reflections and turned off the water, preparing to face the day.

A short while later, Shepard plonked a cup of coffee and some breakfast down on the table beside Garrus and sat down.

"Expecting a famine, are we?" He queried, raising an eyebrow at her heaped plate.

"Shut up," she muttered, but softened slightly at his teasing expression. "You're just jealous that you can't eat proper food."

"Oh yeah, that's definitely it," he agreed sarcastically, eying her breakfast with a shudder.

She smiled slightly and they lapsed into comfortable silence. Shepard felt the dark mood that had been brought on by her nightmare begin to lift. Garrus had taken her confession about her amnesia very well, much to her relief. He had commiserated and then shrugged and carried on exactly as before, which she found extremely helpful. He didn't treat her like an invalid, as most of the others unconsciously seemed to do, just settled back into supporting her in any way that he could. Their friendship had rebuilt quickly as a result and Shepard felt most at her ease with him.

Once they had finished eating, Garrus glanced around the mess and lowered his voice.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" He asked softly, concern in his eyes. "You look troubled."

The commander also glanced around at the other members of the crew and kept her voice quiet, "Yeah, just a rough night."

He looked at her piercingly for a moment and then gestured in the direction of the forward battery. She nodded and they left the mess together.

Once the door had closed behind them, Garrus turned back to face her. "What was it this time?" He asked gently.

Shepard stared at the floor for a few moments before replying quietly, "My father's funeral."

He winced sympathetically and then stepped across to rest a comforting hand on her shoulder. He didn't speak, waiting for her to continue if she wanted to. She ran a hand distractedly through her hair and then added, still in a quiet, almost abstracted voice, "He was killed in action when I was a teenager. But I'd forgotten..." She broke off and looked up, finally meeting his eyes. "I'd forgotten that my father is dead. How can you forget something like that?" Her tone was stronger now, anguished. "It was like losing him all over again." He tightened the grip on her shoulder and then let go. She smiled sadly at him. They stood together in silence for a few moments, Shepard drawing strength from the sense of closeness and understanding between them. That was the great thing about Garrus, he didn't insist on talking if there was nothing to say. He just understood.

When she spoke again, her tone was more normal, though her eyes were still haunted. "I think it's about time I went to see the Council and Alliance command. They deserve to know where I am and what I'm doing, though I'm not sure quite how I'm going to explain it all to them." She glanced guiltily at the Cerberus uniform she wore. "I wish they had some plain kit on this ship," she muttered darkly.

"Actually, I don't think you'll have too much trouble," Garrus replied seriously. "Councillor Anderson knows you well and thinks highly of you, from what I could tell. As he represents the Council and the Alliance, he should be able to deal with both for you."

"Councillor Anderson?"

"The human representative on the Council. Once your Captain, I believe. You seemed close and he always defended you and your actions to the Council. He's the only one who ever believed you about Sovereign and the Reapers."

Shepard shuddered slightly at the name. Some flashes of the battle that had come close to destroying the Citadel had haunted her sleep and the reality of the Reaper threat was, typically, one of the things she was still sure of. "Alright, we'll go and see Councillor Anderson then. I was intending to leave it until more of my memory returns but we've no idea how long that will take." She hesitated and then added quietly, "And I'm hoping they'll be able to contact my mother, assuming she's still…" she stopped, unable to finish the thought, and continued instead "… in the Alliance."

All in all, the meeting with Anderson and the Council had not gone too badly. Following Garrus' advice, she had sent Anderson a message asking him for a private meeting first and had explained everything to him. Garrus went with her and when she had finished her explanations, which seemed weak and unlikely under Anderson's steady gaze, he had unexpectedly stepped forward and assured the councillor that he trusted Shepard and was convinced of her identity, citing several times when she had remembered something that only she could have known, such as their tactics when they were fighting the mercenaries on Omega. Even more surprising to her was that the councillor nodded gravely to Garrus and assured him that he accepted his judgement.

After that, Anderson had skilfully arranged her meeting with the Council, avoiding topics that she might struggle to remember and keeping it short and all about her current activities. The Council were, as usual, if she remembered correctly, short-sighted and stubborn, refusing to accept her insistence that her working with, not for, Cerberus, was necessary in order to save the lives of hundreds of thousands of human colonists in the Terminus Systems. They would not consider the Collectors a threat to their concerns, even when Shepard explained their concern that they were connected to the Reapers. In fact, they seemed to believe that the Reapers were a fabrication and that she had just been gullible enough to believe it. She spoke passionately and angrily of what she could remember of the battle and the remaining threat, demanding to know how they could be so blind that they could not tell that Sovereign had been more than just a giant Geth construction but got nowhere. In the end, however, they begrudgingly agreed to reinstate her Spectre status, as long as she stayed in the Terminus Systems whilst she was associated with Cerberus.

"Politics," she muttered with a sigh, when they got back to Anderson's office.

He laughed. "Tell me about it. That went better than I expected, though." He looked at her, his face serious again. "Don't worry about the Council or the Alliance. I'll find some way to keep them off your back. Shouldn't be too hard, as long as you keep to the Terminus Systems"

"Thanks, Councillor."

"Anderson, please. There's no need for you to go all formal on me just 'cause you're missing a few memories here and there."

She smiled, "Alright, Anderson." Encouraged by his familiar attitude, she finally asked the question she had waited to ask all day. "Do you know, my mother, is she…" she got no further, the horrible fear of what his answer might be constricting her throat.

He stared at her, startled for a minute, then recovered. "Damn, I'm sorry, Shepard, I should have thought sooner." His eyes were sympathetic. "Captain Shepard is fine, she's still serving on her ship." Shepard let out a breath she had not realised she was holding as relief washed over her. "The last I heard they were on patrol somewhere in Council space. I'll get you a secure contact for her."

"Thanks, Anderson," she said warmly, as the weight lifted slightly from her shoulders.

"I'll get you one for me too," he added. "That way you can pass on anything you find that might be useful while you're out there."

"I will," she assured him.

"You can also let me know if you need anything. I wish I could do more to help you but if there is anything, I'll try. And I'm always here if you want to talk."

"Thank you," she said again, hoping that the sincerity showed in her voice. Then, she remembered something Dr Chakwas had said to her and added, "What about Kaidan Alenko? What happened to him after the Normandy was destroyed?"

Anderson gave her an odd look for a moment then replied, "Staff Commander Alenko is still with the Alliance, but he's working on a special mission. It's classified. I can't say any more. Not while you're working with Cerberus. I'm sorry."

Shepard nodded, trying to ignore the pang that his reply caused. She understood the reasons for it but it still hurt, especially when Anderson had made a point of showing that he trusted her. He looked genuinely sorry though, so she shrugged, hiding her feelings to spare him the guilt. As she turned to leave, he added hesitatingly, "Just… do me a favour and be careful. You can't trust Cerberus."

"I know," she assured him.

"Shepard." The Illusive Man greeted her excitedly, "Miranda tells me you have finished gathering your team. Just in time. I think we have them! Horizon – one of our colonies in the Terminus Systems – just went silent. If it isn't under attack, it soon will be. Has Mordin delivered the countermeasure for the seeker swarms?"

"Not yet."

"Let's hope he works well under pressure." The Illusive Man paused, then added, "There's something else you should know. One of your former crew - Kaidan Alenko – he's stationed on Horizon."

Co-incidence again? Something about this whole thing felt very wrong. A feeling of dread settled in the pit of her stomach. She looked at the hologram. The Illusive Man was watching her intently.

"The Collectors just happened to pick a colony with one of my former crew? I don't buy it."

"It shouldn't be a surprise that the Collectors are interested in you. Especially if they're working for the Reapers. They might be going after him to get to you."

Shepard nodded, grimly. It was possible.

"Send the coordinates." She said brusquely, "We'll head straight there."


	6. Chapter 6 - Kaidan

They were too late. Shepard wanted to scream in frustration, as she helplessly watched the Collector ships leaving. Despite the anger seething in her brain, she addressed the colonist who accosted her calmly, explaining firmly that she had done everything she could.

"More than most, Shepard." Garrus reassured her quietly.

The colonist turned back. "Shepard? Wait. I know that name." He paused, frowning at her. "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

" _Commander_ Shepard," corrected a voice from behind him. An Alliance soldier walked around a corner and approached them. "Captain of the Normandy," he continued, "The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel." He stopped in front of Shepard and, for a second, their eyes met. The shock of recognition this time was so strong that she almost physically winced. His expression was unreadable. He turned to address the colonist directly. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." He turned to look back to Shepard and his tone changed slightly as he added, "And a ghost." Something in the way he said it struck her in the pit of the stomach like a blow. Nobody paid any attention to Delan as he stalked off.

Kaidan, as it obviously was him, although Shepard did not recognise his face or remember anything about him, walked to stand right in front of her and her eyes were drawn to meet his again. They were a warm amber colour and seemed so achingly familiar that it seemed impossible that she should not remember a single thing about him. He hesitated for a second and then pulled her into his arms. It felt so right, so natural, that her body responded before she even realised it and she was returning the embrace His voice when he spoke was softer and thick with emotion. "I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did." As they stepped apart, Shepard hurriedly tried to decide how best to respond. The hug had pulled on all sorts of fragments of memories though, odd words and images danced in front of her mind's eye, so that thinking was difficult. She sensed that she should tread carefully here, so she opted for the casual approach, much as she had with Garrus.

"It's been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?" _Bad idea._ She saw that immediately, but it was too late. His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed.

"That's all you have to say?" He demanded. He managed to keep his voice deceptively quiet but couldn't quite hide the undercurrent of hurt and anger that was bubbling up inside him. "You show up after two years and just act like nothing's happened?" He stared at her, searching her eyes for a sign of the love that had been between them, or at least, he had thought had been between them. There was something more distant in her expression than he ever remembered there being and it stabbed through his heart like a knife. He had been intending to throw their relationship in her teeth and demand to know if he had meant anything to her but the words stuck in his throat. Quite suddenly, he thought he knew the answer and, just as suddenly, realised that he didn't actually want to know. The pain and shock of this discovery caused him to lash out at her, wanting her to hurt as much as he was.

With venom in is voice, he demanded harshly, "Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?" He felt a small surge of satisfaction at the anguish that flashed across her face and continued relentlessly, "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know that you were alive?"

"Not my choice," she cut in quickly, defensiveness in her tone. "I spent the last two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me."

 _Wait, what?_

The name hit Kaidan like a ton of bricks. He paused, rallying from the shock and then took a step backwards, his defences springing up around him in a second.

"You're with Cerberus now?" he asked, suspicion and dislike plain in his voice. For the first time, he took a proper look at Miranda and Garrus, standing a little way behind Shepard. "Garrus, too?" His disappointment was obvious. "I can't believe the reports were right."

"Reports?" Garrus cut in, his tone unfriendly. "You mean you already knew?"

Kaidan glared at him but began mechanically to explain his mission to find out if Cerberus were behind the attacks on colonies. His heart grew heavier with every word. How could this be Commander Shepard? His Shepard? The Shepard he had known would never work for Cerberus, would never let him continue to grieve unnecessarily. _Unless you never really knew her at all,_ a voice in his head pointed out, helpfully. Angrily trying to ignore the thought, he added, "Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumours that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."

She looked insulted by that and retorted quickly, "Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them."

"Do you really believe that?" he demanded hotly. "Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?" He was disgusted. How could she be so blind? And Garrus. Couldn't they see what they were doing? He marched back up to stand face to face with her again and snapped bitterly, "I wanted to believe the rumours that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this." He sensed that he was ranting but his thoughts were too painful to keep inside. "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me." Before she could reply, he added spitefully, "How many times did we end up fighting Cerberus operatives? Don't you remember that? How many horrible experimentation labs did we shut down? What about that side of Cerberus? Have you conveniently forgotten about those?"

That did it. She had reacted quite calmly so far to being lectured and questioned by this self-righteous man, though it stung to have her motives questioned by someone she didn't remember knowing. But her memory was her sore spot and his jibes touched a nerve.

"Well, since you ask, no, actually, I don't remember any of that," she snapped acidly.

He blinked at this unexpected answer, completely taken aback. "What? How did you.. I mean.. Why.." he trailed off and then added angrily, "I'm serious, Shepard."

She met his glare steadily and replied coldly, "So am I. I don't remember fighting Cerberus with you, or anyone else." She held up her hand as he started to protest and raised her voice as she continued, "I really don't. In fact, I don't remember much of anything at all. Not what _everything we believed in_ might have been _,"_ she mimicked him, "Nor what we did or who we fought or any of the missions we went on. Nothing. Do you understand?"

He stared at her, unbelieving. A sceptical frown creased his brow and he opened his mouth to argue but Garrus stepped in first.

"She really doesn't, Kaidan," he said quietly, but with a note of admonition in his voice. He stepped to Shepard's side. "Her recovery has taken a long time, her injuries seem to have been severe and her memory has suffered. Something to do with trauma to the brain, as I understand it," he added vaguely, glancing back at Miranda, who nodded. "It's been difficult for her."

"Difficult for _her_?!" demanded Kaidan incredulously, irrationally glaring at Garrus. How dare he stand at her side and defend her? How dare he lecture Kaidan as though he wasn't the one who had been left to grieve, for his whole world to fall apart, unnecessarily? He and Garrus had been friends, had trusted each other completely but in that moment Kaidan hated him. Part of it, as he might have realised had he been in a relaxed enough state of mind to be honest with himself, was because he envied Garrus for being able to stand at her side in good conscience. That should be him, watching her back and following wherever she led, instead of standing in front of her, shouting and probably making a fool of himself. But _Cerberus_? The thought jerked him back to reality. He pointedly ignored Garrus and addressed himself to Shepard again.

"How do you know that Cerberus aren't behind these attacks?" he demanded. "You've just admitted that you know nothing about them. What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Damn it, Kaidan!" Garrus broke in again, causing the Alliance officer's fists to clench in an effort to keep himself under control. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!"

Kaidan kept his eyes on Shepard, who added more gently, "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

"Maybe," he replied heavily. "Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. You say you don't even remember their history, so how can you judge? The way I feel about their history is based on what I've seen of them, what _we_ saw..." He stressed the word, then broke off, as realisation dawned.

"Wait," he said quietly, already sure he knew the answer. "You said you barely remember anything?"

She nodded, eyes uncertain, unsure where this was going. "Bits and pieces have come back to me. Mostly early memories."

"What about me?" he demanded, eyes intent.

She looked down, avoiding his eyes. "Kaidan…"

"Don't 'Kaidan' me! You call me by name but do you remember who I am, anything about me? Anything that we've been through together?" _What we were to each other?_ His mind added, silently _._ His heart sank lower with every second, her reluctance to look at him was answer enough.

"No," she finally replied, unsure why the answer hurt so much to admit. "I'm sorry. I… Some things have come back after time." She suddenly felt like crying. What was it about him that made her so emotional? His face was blank now, he was obviously trying hard to hide his feelings from her, yet somehow she thought she saw a flicker of pain flash across his face at her reply. She met his eyes again and, for a second, their gaze locked and held. The memories swirled in her mind again, just out of reach. She just needed something to hold on to. Involuntarily, she stepped towards him, noticing absently that he was moving towards her too. She felt drawn, almost hypnotised, by the rush of memories, which although still indistinct, all seemed to push her towards this man. His arms seemed to reach for her even as she began to reach for him.

Then the contact was suddenly broken. With a brusque movement of his head, Kaidan turned away and stepped back. His face when he looked back towards them was rigid and cold.

"I've got to report back to the Citadel," he said, in a voice devoid of any emotion. "They can decide if they believe your story or not." He turned away.

"Kaidan," she said quickly, stopping him. "You don't have to leave. We could.."

He swung back around to face her. "Yes, I do. I'll never work for Cerberus." His tone was firm, disapproving but it softened slightly as he met her eyes once more. "Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful." There was something so final in the way he said it that she stood stunned, staring after him as he walked away.


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard had a grim but determined expression on her face after her meeting with the Illusive Man. Jacob was standing behind her, his face also serious.

"I guess we're really going to do it," he said quietly. "Hit the Omega 4 relay, take the fight to the Collectors in person."

She nodded and he continued seriously, "Looking forward to the action. After seeing what those bastards did on Horizon, though… makes you think."

"They're powerful," agreed the Commander, "But we've got a few tricks for them. If anyone can stop them, we can."

"No argument there, Commander," Jacob agreed with a grin. Then he sighed and looked down at the floor. "Horizon just made it hit home. What we're doing, what we're up against. He looked up again and squared his shoulders. "Gonna go take care of a little unfinished business. I imagine everyone else is, too – getting some closure, you know?" He nodded to her and then left the room.

She paused for a moment before following him. He was right. They would all need to get rid of any nagging doubts before finishing this. It was what the Illusive Man had advised too. "Can I assume that you've decided to leave your past behind you, undisturbed?" That's what he had asked. He always seemed to know more about her that she did herself. She shivered a little, then tried to clear her mind and concentrate on her crew.

However, she found her mind straying to Kaidan, as it had several times since they had left Horizon. A deep sense of sadness flooded over her again, though she tried in vain to keep it at bay. She tried to reason with herself that there was no reason for her to be so hurt by what had happened. It had been an unpleasant conversation certainly, but as she didn't remember anything about the Alliance officer, it should just be the same as being shouted at by a stranger, and that had happened often enough not to bother her. But this was different, somehow. Although the memories were missing, she knew somehow that he had mattered to her and his refusal to have anything to do with her wrenched at her heart. Sighing, she headed in search of Dr Chakwas.

After very little preamble, the Doctor cut straight to the point. "What happened on Horizon, Commander?" She asked bluntly. "I don't mean the Collectors, you did as much as you could. Something else happened. Garrus has looked like a storm cloud ever since you got back. I've never seen him so angry."

Shepard sighed and sat down on the edge of one of the med-bay beds. "We met Kaidan on Horizon," she explained, as if that answered everything. Chakwas didn't speak, merely raised an enquiring eyebrow and waited. Reluctantly, Shepard began to recount the whole conversation. She found it actually helped to talk about it to someone. "Garrus has obviously taken it personally," she finished. "He refuses to talk about it at all."

"What about you?" the Doctor asked, watching her closely.

Shepard looked down for a moment and when she spoke, her voice was quiet and tired, "I don't know," she admitted finally. "I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I don't remember him anyway. Yet, on some level, I know that it does, or that it should matter, anyway."

"You don't remember anything more about him?"

"No. Or about anything else much, for that matter. I'm beginning to think he's right. Maybe Cerberus have brainwashed me, or something. I may never remember." She said it half-jokingly, though her tone was heavy and she didn't meet the doctor's eyes.

"It will come back," Chakwas assured her firmly. As Shepard looked up sceptically, she added, "Possibly not everything but certainly most of it. You've made progress already."

The Commander nodded slowly. "I know. But there's still huge gaps. Especially in the last year or so before the Normandy went down. I can remember bits of the crew now, those I've met and spent time with, anyway but still almost nothing about the others or the actual missions. Sometimes it feels as though there's something blocking me."

Dr Chakwas looked at her thoughtfully, considering. "Do you have any way to contact Kaidan Alenko?" she asked, after a moment.

"No," Shepard replied, surprised. "He made it clear he didn't want to have anything to do with us. Why?"

"Pity," the Doctor murmured. When Shepard looked at her, puzzled, she continued, "I have a theory. Well, that is, Kelly Chambers and I have a theory. Since you spent so much time on missions with Kaidan and Garrus, much of your memories of the missions will be mixed up in your memories of them. Since you have spent time with Garrus, your memories of him are returning, but you haven't spent enough time with Kaidan yet. Once your memories of both start to return, you will probably find that the missions come back with them."

Shepard was frowning but as the Doctor paused, she nodded. "Makes sense, I guess…"

"It's only a theory," Chakwas continued, "But it's something to consider, if you find a way to contact him."

"Hardly likely," muttered Shepard sourly, her mind full of the cold, formal way he had dismissed them.

"I wouldn't be so sure," replied Chakwas quietly. "I know Kaidan. He's a lot like you, actually. He doesn't show emotions easily. So when he does, he finds them hard to control. I warned you that he was most affected by your death. It's no wonder really that he was angry that you hadn't contacted him"

"I tried to!" Shepard cried indignantly, "Anderson wouldn't tell me where he was."

"I know that," Chakwas replied soothingly, and Shepard felt suddenly ashamed of her sudden outburst. Why _did_ she keep getting so worked up about all this? "Did you tell him that, though?" continued the Doctor pointedly.

"Well, actually.." Shepard paused, thinking back. "No, I don't think I did. There wasn't really a chance to. We just, sort of, started shouting at each other." She looked at Dr Chakwas, realisation in her eyes.

"Exactly," replied the Doctor calmly. "Just give him some time. You were too close for him to cut you out altogether."

Shepard looked dubious but said quietly, "I hope so."


	8. Chapter 8

"This is the great krogan homeworld?" demanded Grunt, sounding distinctly unimpressed. "This is the land of Kredak, Shiagur and Veeoll? He looked around at Tuchanka, scowling. "This chunk of rock is barely worth standing on!"

Shepard grinned at him but carried on in the direction of the clan leader, hearing him mutter "Never thought I'd miss the tank..." as he followed.

They were accosted by some guards in front of the clan leader's dais. "Halt! You must wait till the clan leader summons you. He is… in talks."

These talks seemed to be most of a heated argument, both sides shouting the other down but suddenly, the clan leader looked up and broke off mid-argument, a grin splitting his face.

"Shepard." He called, jumping up from his seat.

The commander smirked at the guards. "Good enough?" she enquired innocently and then firmly pushed her way though.

"Shepard! My friend!" cried the clan leader delightedly, grasping her arm in a very firm grip. "And Garrus!" he added, looking over her shoulder and laughing.

"Hey, Wrex," smiled Garrus. "It's been a long time."

"Too long," Wrex agreed. He turned back to Shepard. "You look well for dead, Shepard," he laughed. "Should've known the void couldn't hold you."

The stop-off on Tuchanka definitely seemed to have relieved the tension a little, Shepard decided, as she left her quarters. They had all been a bit on edge since facing the reality of their mission to destroy the Collectors' base and their survival chances. Jacob and Miranda were calmer now that their family concerns had been resolved, though Jacob, in particular, was understandably shaken by the revelations about his father. But now, the atmosphere seemed lighter. Mordin had been upset at first by the discovery of the research methods his old assistant had been driven to, but he had bounced back remarkably quickly. Garrus seemed greatly cheered by his reunion with Wrex and he and Grunt had been telling the story of their defeat of the thresher maw to anyone within earshot ever since.

In fact, as Shepard got into the elevator on her way to the mess, Garrus was already there, telling the story for the fifth time since he had sat down. The Commander had given them a night off before they headed off to recruit more team members and so the crew had wasted no time in winding down a little.

"And apparently, no-one has brought down a thresher maw for years. Not since Wrex himself," Garrus finished proudly.

"And I'm now Urdnot Grunt," the krogan added, grinning.

"Sounds to me like Garrus and the Commander should get to be clan members too," mused Joker teasingly. "After all, they fought the thing with you."

"Urdnot Vakarian?" Garrus tried out the name and nodded approvingly. "And Urdnot Shepard. Ha, sounds good!"

"Actually, that is not strictly accurate, Garrus," EDI's voice informed him. "Urdnot is not a title but a clan name, similar to many races' family name. I would suggest that your first name should be used."

Garrus rolled his eyes at the pedantic interruption but nodded. "Fine, so Urdnot Garrus? That still sounds good, right?"

Grunt laughed. "Yeah. And Shepard would be Urdnot…" He stopped. "Oh. What's Shepard's first name?"

Garrus and Joker glanced at each other but didn't reply.

"What?" demanded Grunt, looking around at the others. "Someone must know."

Miranda looked interested. "I don't. For some reason, it wasn't on her military file or her medical records."

Garrus and Joker burst into laughter simultaneously. "She really meant it." Joker shook his head, still laughing. "I didn't think she was serious."

"Neither did I," agreed Garrus. "I thought she just said that to stop us trying to find out."

"Will you two stop grinning like idiots and explain what the fuck you're on about?" demanded Jack, irritably.

"Just that no one knows what the Commander's first name is," Joker shrugged, though he still looked highly amused.

"Well, we've worked that out already!" Jack snapped.

"No, not no one on board, I mean actually _no one._ " Joker emphasised the phrase.

"With the probable exception of her mother." Garrus added dryly. Seeing the confused looks, he explained, "We asked her about it once. Well, Joker did."

Joker winced. "Not a good idea…"

Garrus smirked unsympathetically and resumed his story. "Apparently, Shepard's father had some odd ideas about suitable names for his daughter. She hates her name and is so embarrassed by it that she never uses it or even a short form of it and hasn't since she was quite young."

"That's it?" asked Jack, looking slightly disappointed.

"That's what she said," Joker confirmed. "Wouldn't tell us what it is, though," he sighed comically.

"What about the Alliance, though?" asked Jacob, frowning. "Surely they wouldn't remove it from the records just because she didn't like it."

"They don't know either," said Joker, laughing again. "When she applied to the Alliance, our Commander didn't want to give them her full name as she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep it a secret. So she did a bit of research and found out that all she was actually required to give was her first initial, so that's what she said she did." He looked enquiringly at Miranda, who nodded. "I really thought she only told us that so we wouldn't try to look her up."

Jack laughed wickedly. "It must be _really_ bad! We've got to try to find out."


	9. Chapter 8 continued

"Get her drunk," suggested Grunt with a shrug.

"No, no no!" cried Joker. "Don't even try it. I tried to get her to tell us what it was last time, she gave me every horrid chore on the Normandy for a month…" He shuddered and everyone else laughed.

"We can try to guess, though," suggested Jack, an evil smirk on her lips. "What's the most embarrassing name you can think of?"

"Is her first initial on file?" Garrus asked Miranda, enthusiastically.

She nodded, also caught up in the game. "A," she replied and frowned in thought. "Adelaide?" she suggested doubtfully.

"That's not embarrassing." Joker protested. "What about something really girly? I don't think the Commander would like that very much." He thought for a minute. "Amelia?"

"That's not embarrassing either!" put in Jacob. "What about Angelica?"

"No wait, I've got it!" Joker was giggling wildly. "Anabelle!"

Everyone laughed. Then someone said, "Nope. You won't guess it."

"How do you know?" protested Joker vaguely.

"Well, I should know, after all." Something in the tone of the voice made him look around, confused. Then his face blanched and he cringed. "Commander! I was.. errr, I mean… we just…." He faltered into silence.

Commander Shepard was standing in the doorway, a grim expression on her face. She advanced slowly, with that subtly menacing air that always sent her enemies fleeing in panic.

Everyone stepped back a pace from her and from the hapless Joker, who bore the brunt of her furious glare. "So," she began, her voice dangerously quiet, "Couldn't keep your curiosity in hand, could you? So now you've roped in the whole crew, is that it?"

"Commander…" Joker began again, alarmed at the seriousness of her manner. She really looked as though she might…

With a suddenness that made everyone jump, Shepard laughed. All the tension and false rage dropped away and she was relaxed and grinning.

"Your face!" she laughed, laying a hand on the shoulder of a still shaken-looking Joker. "You really looked as though you thought I was about to throw you out of the airlock!"

" _You_ looked as though you _were_ going to throw me out of the airlock," he muttered and the others all laughed.

"Seriously though, and this goes for all of you," she looked pointedly around at them all, though with a friendly air now. "I've never told anyone my name. It's a habit now, I guess." Several voices started speaking at once, joking, teasing, cajoling but Shepard had stopped listening. She was staring into space, her eyes unfocused, as memories swept over her; triggered again, it seemed, by a phrase that she had used before, giving her a jarring sense of déjà vu. She couldn't quite see the images in her mind's eye, the visual memories were indistinct and hazy but her words came back to her like an echo, bringing with them the whole conversation from somewhere in the depths of her lost memories.

"I've just never told anyone my name," she had said, "I guess it's become a habit."

"You can tell me, though." A man's voice, warm and affectionate. She felt as though she should recognise it but it was a little blurred in her mind, like in dreams when you know who someone in your dream is meant to represent but when you wake up, you realise that they didn't look or sound anything like that person in real life.

She had merely laughed and shaken her head.

"Come on," he had coaxed, laughing with her. "I bet I can convince you to tell me." There was a flirtatious inflection in his voice and she felt a warm, happy feeling seep through her body at the sound of it.

"Alright, darling" she had agreed, playing along with a smile. "Go ahead and try. When you fail, you have to promise me that you'll never ask again. Deal?"

"What if I succeed?"

"You won't."

"In that case, it doesn't much matter what you agreed to if I do succeed, does it?"

"Fine. If, by some miracle, you actually manage to convince me to tell you…" she looked at him pointedly, "Which I doubt."

"Yeah, yeah. I get that," he interrupted her, grinning.

She stuck out her tongue at him like a child, causing him to double over, laughing in glee. "You're adorable, sweetheart!" he declared, "The great Commander Shepard is secretly a five year old at heart!"

"Shut it." She muttered, glaring at him and then hastily continued, "If you do somehow manage to come up with a reason why I should tell you, then I promise to tell you all of it and keep nothing back."

"Alright," he agreed smugly. "Deal."

She almost felt an arm slip around her shoulders and the soft press of a kiss on her forehead. She definitely felt her stomach flip over and her heart rate increase at his closeness and a peaceful sense of contentment fill her as she leaned into his touch. Emotions, it seemed, were easier to remember than images or voices.

"So what is this irrefutable argument of yours?" she asked, amused.

"It's very simple," he replied, trying to sound casual, but something in his voice had caught her ear and she looked at him with more attention. He took a breath and then said, quietly, "I can't exactly tell you that I love you without knowing your name, can I?"

She stared at him, stunned for a moment by the waves of emotion that swept over her at his words. Warmth, joy, love – yes, she loved him too, she had known that for some time, then suddenly, nervousness, fear even. Was she ready for this? She had never let anyone this close… These thoughts came abruptly to a stop as another thought struck her. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

Correctly interpreting this expression, he answered the question before she had asked it.

"Shepard, wait. Before you say anything, I just want to get this clear. I am not just saying this to trick you into telling me." He sighed, a serious note in his voice. "I suppose it does look a bit like that but I swear it isn't. I've been trying to find a way to tell you for some time now and this just seemed like a way to do it. I'm sorry, it was probably a bad way." Again, he forestalled her as she tried to reply. "Please, Shepard. Just one more thing. I don't mind not knowing your name if you don't want to tell me. It's fine, I understand. But if there's any nickname or short form of your name that you don't mind me using, I'd like that. Calling my girlfriend by her surname all the time feels a bit impersonal, somehow. I don't know…" He trailed off, looking away uncertainly.

His words brought such a smile to her face, however, that she felt she had to concede defeat. Keeping her tone light to try to ease his nervousness, she said simply, "Anna."

"What?" he sounded startled, as though he had been lost in his own thoughts.

"You can call me Anna." She flushed slightly, "That is, if you'd like to…"

"I would." She could hear the smile in his voice as he relaxed. Then he frowned. "Then is that..?"

"A short form of my name, yes," she finished for him. She sighed a little ruefully then continued with a smile, "My parents called me Ann when I was a child. Well, Mom still does. I didn't like it much, it sounded a bit grown up and boring. I wanted to be called Anna but Dad said it would be too confusing because Mom's name is Hannah." She laughed slightly, "That's when I decided I'd stick to Shepard from then on."

"Didn't you say your Dad picked your name in the first place?"

"Yes, but even he didn't use it and Mom refused to." She shook her head, somewhere between mortified and amused. "I've no idea why Dad insisted or why Mom let him, if they weren't going to use it anyway." She paused, a fond smile on her face. "Dad was always obsessed with astronomy and space, even before first contact. For some reason, he wanted to name me after a constellation or a galaxy. He was delighted when he thought of a name that was both and seems to have missed that it's a terrible name for a person…"

He laughed and then hastily apologised as she glared at him. "I'm sorry, honey. You really don't have to tell me, you know."

She smiled but shook her head. "No, I promised, remember?" She took a deep breath, her face burning, and opted to get it over quickly. "Alright, it's Andromeda," she announced in a rush.

"What?" he asked incredulously, "Not really?"

She glared at him again and he quickly apologised, obviously trying to keep the amusement out of his voice. "Sorry." He considered. "You know, it's really not _that_ bad. The way you talk about it, I thought it was going to be much worse, Andr…"

"Don't you dare!" she snapped firmly, almost through gritted teeth. "And it is that bad."

He laughed again, ignoring her furious glance. "Ok, ok. Whatever you say, dear."

She rolled her eyes and turned her back on him, in mock annoyance.

"Hey, hey, where are you going?" His flirtatious tone was back and he wrapped both arms around her waist, pulling her back to him. She smiled, despite herself. "That's better," he smiled, then his voice became more serious again. "Thank you for telling me," he said quietly.

She leaned back against him, sighing contentedly. "You were right," she replied simply. "You deserved to know."

"And I can really call you Anna? When we're alone, I mean." She felt a little thrill at the sound of it on his lips and nodded, turning in his arms to face him again.

"Yes," she said softly, "I'd like that."

"Good," he smiled, and the warmth of his voice went straight to her heart. They leaned forward into the kiss simultaneously, tangling themselves up in each other as much as they could. After a long moment, he pulled back just far enough to murmur into her ear, "I love you, Anna."

The surge of answering emotion was so strong that it was all she could do to get any words out but after a second she replied, just a quietly, "I love you, too."

Slowly, the memories faded, the utter joy and contentment of the moment receded from her mind. She fought to keep the feeling of his arms, of their kiss, grasping desperately for something to hold onto but reality inexorably forced its way back into her consciousness. The sudden loss of those emotions wrenched at her, leaving her feeling drained and empty. The heartbreak was too much, she could feel tears burning behind her eyes. Had she really felt like that once? It had seemed so real, like she really was reliving a memory but if so, how could she have forgotten?

Finally, her eyes refocused on the scene around her. They were all starting at her, concerned. She tried to speak but her throat felt chocked.

"Shepard?" Garrus asked tentatively. "Are you ok?"

She nodded slowly, not trusting her voice yet.

Miranda was looking at her keenly, her medical instincts aroused. "A memory?" she asked shrewdly. "An echo from the past?"

Shepard nodded again and then said quietly, "I think so."

"Are you alright?" Garrus asked again.

Shepard drew a deep breath and stood up a little shakily. "Yes, I'm fine. It was just a little intense, that's all."

Miranda nodded sympathetically. "It would be. Especially if it was connected to strong emotion."

 _You have no idea_ , thought Shepard wryly. She did not intend to answer the unspoken question in Miranda's expression. She walked towards the door.

"Then you remembered something?" Joker called after her, "Something important?"

"Important?" Shepard echoed, trying to ignore the pang in her heart at the word. "Nothing mission related, no," she evaded, hoping that they wouldn't notice. Then realising that she was going to have to say something, she stopped and turned back around. With what she hoped looked like an unconcerned, amused half-smile, she shrugged and explained, "It seems I might have told someone my name once, after all."

"Oh? Who?"

"That's just it," she couldn't quite keep the bitterness out of her voice, " _That_ I still don't remember…"

\- Author's note -

I just wanted to point out that I honestly didn't name her after the new game intentionally. I've had this idea for her name for ages, ever since I was starting a new play through and decided that Jane didn't really suit my idea of Shepard. I picked Anna (also before Frozen came out, just in case you were wondering...) and then thought that it would be good to have a kind of reason why no one in the game ever uses her first name. That's when I came up with the idea of an embarrassing first name that she just wouldn't tell anyone. A bit far fetched, I admit, but I quite liked it, just for fun. Then I remembered that her mother's name is Hannah and that that actually worked quite well to give me an excuse why she didn't get the short form of her name that she wanted, so that she could then have something for Kaidan to call her. I spent some time trying to think of what her name could be to give Anna that would explain her not wanting anyone to know. I thought of the idea of her being named for a constellation and that's where Andromeda came from. I swear I didn't know that the next game was going to be called that. I suppose it's possible that I had read it somewhere and forgotten, so that it came to mind when I was thinking of a name, I don't know. I've had this story of her name in my head for a long time now, just not the story to go with it. When I saw the new trailer for ME4, after I had started posting this story, my first thought was that it ruined my idea! I was going to change it but in the end decided to stick with it, it's so firmly in my mind now, I can't think of her as named anything else. Hope I can get away with it :)


	10. Chapter 9 - Tali again

The following day, she, Garrus and Grunt were on Haestrom looking for Tali. Shepard was glad that Tali had been one of the extra crew members suggested to her by Cerberus. The vague memories she had of the young quarian were fond and she hoped that she might manage to fill a few more blanks with Tali's help. Her thoughts were pulled sharply back to the present when she accidentally stepped into a patch of sunlight and her shields immediately began to fail, the warning alarm ringing in her ears. "EDI wasn't kidding," she muttered, stepping quickly back into the protection of the shade. "What a place!" Garrus grunted his agreement sourly.

Fighting geth and staying out of the sunlight was an interesting experience. Garrus had opted for his favourite sniper rifle and picked geth off easily from a well-shaded corner. Shepard had taken up a position not far away and, with a mixture of biotics and grenades, was thoroughly enjoying driving the geth out of cover and into Garrus' sights. Grunt, however, had obviously no patience for such a careful approach. His concession to the challenges presented by the environment was to charge in, killing everything in his path and reaching shade on the other side just before his shields failed entirely. Shepard would probably have admired his impeccable timing, if it wasn't such a risky strategy.

They fought their way into a control centre, where a comm link flashed into life as they entered. It was Tali's voice. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

Moving quickly over to the console, Shepard replied, "Tali, it's Shepard. I'm sorry. Everyone here is dead. Any survivors must have fallen back.

"We knew this mission was high risk." Tali's voice was regretful. "Damn it." Then her voice changed. "And what are you doing here, Shepard?" She asked it sternly, as though scolding a child. "We're in the middle of geth space!"

Smiling at the authority in her tone, the commander replied innocently, "I was in the neighbourhood. I thought you might need a hand."

"Thanks for coming, Shepard." The smile was evident in Tali's voice too. "It means a lot to hear your voice."

When they finally made it through to the observatory, Tali was finishing downloading the data that her team had paid so highly for. She looked up as the three of them entered.

"Thank you, Shepard. If not for you, I would never have made it out of this room." She sighed deeply. "This whole mission has been a disaster," she added bitterly. "I wish I'd joined you back on Freedom's Progress, but I couldn't let anyone take my place on something this risky."

Shepard nodded her head understandingly. "Whatever the reason, I'm glad I could help," she replied simply. "Once you deliver that data, I could use you on the Normandy."

Tali looked up alertly, a note of hope in her voice. "Then you remember?"

"Not all of it," the commander admitted, "But enough, I think." She paused, looking thoughtfully at the quarian for a moment, then asked suddenly, "Remember when I gave you that geth data? Did it help you complete your Pilgrimage?"

"Yes," said Tali quietly, "It did." There was a strange note in her voice. She hesitated for a second and then continued in her normal, brisk tone, "I promised to see this mission through. I did. I can leave with you and send the data to the Fleet." Her chin raised and she continued bleakly, "And if the admirals have a problem with it, they can go to hell. I just watched the rest of my team die."

"Maybe not the whole rest of your team, ma'am."

They looked up. Kal'Reegar limped slowly into the room, one arm clasped around his side.

"Reegar!" cried Tali with relief. "You made it!"

"Your old captain's as good as you said," he replied with a chuckle. "Damn colossus never stood a chance."

"You took down a colossus?" demanded Tali, "Three of you?!"

Shepard shrugged modestly and Grunt grinned. "Good fight," he said simply.

Garrus also grinned evilly. "Come on, we'll tell you about it on the way back to the Normandy."

That night, Shepard lay awake in her bed. She was tired after the fighting and the heat of Haestrom but as usual, her mind was still working and wouldn't let her rest. It was good to have Tali on board. It was true that the quarian had reacted quite stormily to meeting Jacob and her realisation that Shepard really was working for Cerberus. _With_ Cerberus, she corrected herself irritably in her own mind. Why did none of them get it? She didn't want to work with Cerberus either but she had to help save the colonies and no one else would give her the resources. Tali had agreed to stay for Shepard's sake though, much to the commander's relief, and Tali had settled herself in engineering. Shepard's insistence that Tali should be allowed to get to know the new Normandy thoroughly and Jacob's quick agreement to get her security clearance had done much to sooth the quarian.

Sighing, she rolled over and sat up. It was no use. Maybe if she studied some data for a while she might feel sleepier. She turned on the light and got up. As she was gazing ruefully at the confused collection of datapads on her desk, unsure of where to begin, she noticed the light blinking on her private terminal. She hadn't checked her messages this evening. Sitting down, she opened the message screen and glanced through them.

A new mission request from Cerberus. No doubt more crucial information which mustn't get into the wrong hands. She smiled grimly. More information they could recover, tell Cerberus that it had been destroyed and then she could send it straight through to the Alliance. It was something, anyway. What else? Some new armour. Could be interesting. She could look into that another day though. The next message title stopped her in her tracks. "About Horizon…" Her heart leaped. Kaidan. She hesitated, dreading to open the message but at the same time, unable to draw her eyes away from those two words. Then she shook herself a little. It was probably nothing. A response to her mission report, or to the information she had sent to Anderson. Ridiculous to think it was anything else. Why would he send her a message? He had made his disapproval only too clear. Nevertheless, she felt irrationally nervous as she finally made herself open the message, a slight sick feeling in her stomach and her heart racing.

"Shepard,

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks on the Citadel, trying to let myself have a life again, you know?

Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is any more. And neither do you, it seems. Do you remember anything at all? I've had friends with amnesia, they say not to talk about the past until you remember. If you remember. So I won't, just, what about what happened before Ilos? Maybe you will remember, someday. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.

But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.

When things settle down a little… maybe… I don't know. Just take care.

Kaidan."

She read through the message and then sat back shakily, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. Angrily, she dashed them away. Why should she care what he said? He hadn't understood, hadn't given her the chance to explain her motives, he'd just judged her off-hand. Her finger hovered, hesitating a second, about to delete the message. What business was it of his anyway? Then, on impulse, she re-opened the message instead and read through it again, more slowly. It still hurt, she was stunned by how much just thinking about him hurt, but she could start to see the pain behind the words and the concern. Phrases swam before her eyes. _I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy... It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on…. I've watched too many people close to me die…. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again._ Evidently, Dr Chakwas had been right. They had been close, but hadn't she felt that as soon as she saw him? The elusive memories nagged at her. Ilos? The name was vaguely familiar, something in the mission reports from when they defeated Saren. But _before_ Ilos, he had said. It must have been something really important. _I couldn't bear it if I lost you again…_ Why the hell couldn't she remember any of it, even now? The frustration boiled up inside her once more. It seemed so stupid, not to know. She was there, how could she not know what had happened? How could she not remember even those closest to her? A sudden wave of unbearable loneliness crashed upon her so unexpectedly that it took her completely off guard. Tears sprang into her eyes again. This time, she did not fight them. She closed down the terminal, not trusting herself to try to reply in this emotional state, and flung herself down on her bed, letting the sadness and loss overtake her at last.


End file.
